Irish Dave's Name Rule Hamish & Andy 29 August, 2008 - 5:39 PM

Email from Maggie Frampton who has been listening in from New Zealand so listens on the web:

I have a situation that happened to me not long ago and was thinking that maybe it needs some sort of rule to sort it out. My boyfriend and I have been going out for a month ish and recently went to a function where he introduced me as his partner....this was followed by an awkward pause on my behalf. I may be wrong, and probably am, but when do you become someone's partner?!? i thought you had to be going out for ages or own half a law firm with the person. Can you help?

The Name Rule

Stage 1 Early Stages - Just use her name her

In the early stages of a relationship - what David Doherty quite crudely calls the "bangin' phase" - you just refer to each other by name when introducing.

Hi this is Jen - its simple and effective - this is what Maggie's upside down commas "boyfriend" should have done.

The "Halo effect" is in place at this time when you can see absolutely no faults in the other person, due mainly to the amount of sex that is usually taking place so you need to ensure you stick rigidly (pun intendedJ) to this early stage rule and don't scupper the whole thing by moving too quickly to Stage Two.

Stage 2 My Girlfriend - mutual exclusivity

Now once you agree to mutual exclusivity you may use the term "Girlfriend" or "Boyfriend" - but not before that time.

So we can see that Maggie considers herself to be a girlfriend, but the guy thinks it is way more serious than that - possible future stalker there Maggie.

It's a good guide to a relationship to see how quickly people are comfortable in moving from one stage to the next.

George Clooney for example won't even entertain the possibility of moving to this stage - whilst Britney Spears usually skips stages one and two entirely and in fact has been know to go straight to Stage Five with people she doesn't even know.

Stage 3 My Partner - when you live together

Now the earliest you can use the term Partner is if you live together "In Sin" as my Mum would say.

Once you are co-habiting then you are immediately forced to use the term partner.

And Maggies "boyfriend" has really jumped the gun on this one

Girls particularly like using this term and making guys use it as it is a very subtle form of pressure to get married.

Straight guys hate using the term partner because once you say it, immediately the eye-brows go up.

It leaves you in a sort of "orientation limbo" with people you don't know well or work colleagues and you have to clarify that you don't mean partner in the Olympic Diving sense of the word but in the living with your girlfriend sense.

This is why women are such early adopters of the term partner - I know people who have proposed just to avoid using the term "partner" and to move to the next stage

It's very worrying that a bloke would use this term ahead of time, so Maggie I think you have yourself a marrying man.

Stage 4 My Fiancé
 
So once you have popped the question and moved away from the whole area of uncertainty surrounding the term "partner" and its ambiguous allusion to your sexuality - not that there's anything wrong with that - you move to fiancé.

Now naturally there is no financial implication to moving between any of the previous stages but it will cost you actual money to move into or out of any of the following stages.

There is in fact a specific cost to moving into this stage -  you need to outlay 3 months wages (after tax) to move into this stage so it's a costly exercise and not a decision to be sneezed at.

There is of course the whole commitment for life consideration but as there is no direct financial impact associated most guys don't really give that part much thought.

Stage 5 My Wife

Now as per previous rules you may add your "Special lady" to your list of friends on facebook at this point - but remember not before.

This is the really official stage and whilst there may me some debate over the previous stages it's a far higher power than the Star Chamber which has named this stage - namely Federal parliament.

And whilst the Star Chamber does have certain "unofficial" powers we aren't in a position to over rule Kevin and his cohorts so Wife is pretty much set in stone.

Stage 6 The Ex

The only other stage you can be in after this is the Ex stage, and just to reinforce the fact that blokes hate using the term Partner you will often hear a guy say Ex-Wife, Ex-girlfriend or just simply Ex  - but no bloke has ever used the term Ex-Partner and I think that is telling.

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• Kez says

  Excellent guideline of the stages. I made it to wife! SCORE!
  It's almost like the levels of relationship competency.
  That means I'm possibly awesome...but probably just another annoying newlywed trying to brag about being married...
  Irish Dave is awesome.

  http://www.chunkzoflife.blogspot.com

  Posted Saturday 30 August, 2008 12:08 AM
• Mazza says

  Great advice Irish Dave. The only question I have with these stages is whether the age of the couple is taken into consideration? With couples entering the first stage in their 30's & 40's the terms girlfriend and boyfried are a bit young and cutesy? What do you think?

  Posted Saturday 30 August, 2008 9:49 AM
• Akalia says

  Just listened to the podcast.. i disagree with the use of partner, I am a female and i HATE the term partner.. to me that is what term is used by homosexuals hiding their homosexualism. I hate the term partner a lot..

  Posted Sunday 31 August, 2008 8:19 PM
• Lowy says

  Nice work Irish Dave... I bought my first pint of 'full cream' milk which gave me an unbelieveable 2 weeks to initiate contact with a girl I met on saturday night out with the boys. Not sure I'll need that long... with my record it will be all over before the milk actually goes off!
  When are you back on air? Hamish and Andy are on holidays!

  Posted Monday 1 September, 2008 4:13 PM
• Kate says

  I never used the word partner with my husband earlier in our relationship, because he has a non-sex specific name (for example, Sam - not his name) and it could have been taken that I was gay. Not that I have a problem with that, I'm just not gay.

  Posted Wednesday 3 September, 2008 10:11 AM
• harri says

  Yea I have to agree with mazza - my great grandma was 'dating' a man in her ninties! it was really wierd refering to him as 'my great grandma's boyfriend'.
  irish dave please solve this dilemma!!

  Posted Wednesday 3 September, 2008 6:12 PM
• Lins says

  Great rules but I agree with Mazza. When is it to old to say boyfriend / girlfriend. Also Irish Dave great pic. Very cute.

  Posted Wednesday 3 September, 2008 8:21 PM
• Danni says

  If thats Irish Dave's picture above - Hot!!
  does he count as a free pass celeb??

  I look forward to the relationship pearls of wisdom!

  Posted Friday 5 September, 2008 10:40 AM
• TANYA says

  well top this, after going out with my fiance for 5 years i still at certain functions get "this is TAN my MISSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" i hate it, i didn;t work this hard to get a ring on my finger to be reffered to in the aussie slagg! just throw me a bondsie and get me to go cook some eggs!... lol
  Although i did stoop to his level when out witha new group of buddies i introduced him as my F**K buddy. when he nearly fell over i said "well i will never again be your misses will i?"

  Neadless to say that was last xmas and i am now referred to as his fiance..
  we are getting married in Feb 09....
  love you guys

  Posted Thursday 18 September, 2008 4:48 PM
• Mark says

  "Straight guys hate using the term partner because once you say it, immediately the eye-brows go up"

  One of my mates from NZ has a habit of unexpectedly flying over. I remember him saying "His partner Nick is over aswell and will come out to dinner with us" that night.... exactly as you said.. eyebrow went up. for the next couple of hours I was asking myself if he was gay... until I saw this drop dead gorgeous Blonde in a cocktail dress.

  It seems to misslead and not the best word to use when there is no face to the word lol.

  Posted Saturday 27 September, 2008 11:03 PM

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